Updated: Sep 30, 2019
What you will truly find inside this mother’s conscious.
I wasn’t planning on sharing this blog post. I hesitated to delete it. Then, I asked myself, how can this benefit you? Well, for starters you will now know, I have harsh deep thoughts, and that I am not perfect! Second, I created this blog for people who are a lot like me: lost in their thoughts, all while embracing life, achieving goals, and trying to do better every single day. Finally, I decided to share this post because it’s raw, and it’s the truth.
Feelings can take you off track, however, if you don’t remember half the things I share with you, at least remember this: Your feelings are
T E M P O R A R Y!
September 23rd, 2019
Tonight, I held my firstborn just like I do every night. Pregnant or not, I cuddle my angel on the left side of my chest, pat her to sleep, and end by moving her right into her crib which she lay the rest of the night.
Tonight, was different though. My mind was racing. I held my sleeping baby girl so tight, and tears began to stroll down my cheeks. My heart ached, and my body froze. I didn’t want to let her go. It hurts knowing that my little Gabriella will soon be a big sister, and my love for her will divide in two. Just typing that sentence kills me. Will she be okay? Will she be envious towards her little sister? Will I be able to handle splitting it all in half? I have no idea, but the day haunts me when I have to nurse baby Maya, and Gabriella is crying for attention, and I won’t be able to give it to her. It just haunts me. So, I balled hugging my girl tight, for what felt like hours.
Being a mother is some ballsy stuff. Not everyone can do it, and not everyone wishes to. However, for those mamas out there, KUDOS to YOU! We are some tough ass women putting our bodies through 9, almost 10 months of pregnancy, followed by birth and then raising the little humans into, what we hope, adults with morals, respect, and dignity. We do the best we can, and when we feel as though we failed them in so many different ways, we still manage to keep the flow going.
I will never regret getting pregnant while Gabriella was only 6.5 months, but I can’t hide the fact that it does hurt me, to say the least, that she will need to understand the concept of sharing at such a young age. Do I feel something is wrong with that? No! Does it bother me a tad? Yes. Many have reassured me, stating she will be fine. She's going to love growing up with a little sister and having someone to play with. Yes, I fully understand this. However, what I feel in this very moment, now that I am almost reaching the birth of baby number two, is how my Gabriella will feel and act once we are settled back at home, a family of four.
Despite how Gabriella will feel, something else that eats me is the idea that baby Maya might not receive the same affection from me, as I had for Gabriella when she first came home. You can't tell me that I will feel the same rush towards Maya, as I did for Gabriella. What if I feel resentment? Having to do this whole newborn stage again. Getting up every two hours in the middle of the night. Attending to not only Maya but Gabriella too. What am I going to do? How can I stop myself from thinking such negative thoughts? I love my babies and despise how I’ve been feeling.
It’s been a full week since I wrote the paragraphs above.
After thinking long and hard about my mindset, I figured it all out. I am simply going to FEEL. I am going to feel the way I feel and let it pass. I plan to embrace the moments I have left with my little goober. This whole motherhood lifestyle is not perfect, nor is it meant to be. So, I decided just to let my feelings fly right through me, rather than sit there and dwell on them. There is no good in contradicting everything that I express in my blog posts - we should develop good habits, how our mindset should stay clear of negativity, blah blah blah, all while I am over here doing the opposite. I can't do that to myself, nor you all!
I am sitting here today, September 29th, convincing myself that everything will be FINE! It will all work out, just as everything else in life has. Welcoming baby number two will open my eyes to a whole new chapter, and I am NOT ready. However, us mamas, we GET ready and let it all sink in, even with the blood, pain, and tears. Are any of us ever prepared? Something we as humans have to accept is that whatever life throws our way will be a surprise, and the only thing we can control is our reactions. Ready or not, we will have to deal with it.
So, what is next for me? Well, meet me back here mid-November once our family of four is all settled. I'll share all my thoughts and feelings that will have overpowered me from beginning to middle, well because, I am not perfect and you deserve to hear not only the good but the bad in this wild mind of mine.