Updated: Oct 30, 2019
How becoming a mother brought out an inner demon I never knew, yet an unconditional love I came to find, overpowering it all.
“No one is ever quite ready; everyone is always caught off guard. Parenthood chooses you. And you open your eyes, look at what you’ve got, say “Oh, my gosh,” and recognize that of all the balls there ever were, this is the one you should not drop. It’s not a question of choice.”
― Marisa de los Santos
It has taken me quite some time to find the right words to share, how big of an impact Gabriella hit me with. I have had this specific blog in my drafts since the day I started blogging a month ago. Only because, I am totally being picky and aiming to perfect this story, I find to be so close to my heart. It is quite difficult for me to share, but I will try my very best to tell you the story of how Gabriella Marie Abregu stole my world.
What I finally realized is that, there are no right words. However, I can manage to share this. My heart beats fast as I write this blog. Tears run down my face, as I try to find the most vibrant and heartfelt words to share about my daughter. I am an emotional wreck. I am paranoid. All because being a mother scares the living shit out of me. My head is filled with failure that will surface from this experience. I will not lie to you, but that’s what I thought, throughout my pregnancy, after, and as a new mom. I whispered to my daughter the very first night I held her, ’no one will love you as much as I do, and no one will carry a heavy heart as I will when it comes to decisions, altercations, and conflicts.‘ I mean, how am I supposed to handle her first fall? Her first kiss? Her first heartbreak? I have no idea what the hell I am to do. All I know for sure is, when she hurts, I hurt twice as a bad. When she cries, I internally cry twice as hard. When she gets scared, I am scared for her. She is a piece of me, and no one will understand half of what she is worth to me. So, hell yea, becoming a mother had released this inner mommy-demon in me I never knew I had.
This is not easy for me to confess all this negative thinking I had racing in my mind. Why? Why do I guard my deep thoughts? Thoughts I never dared to share with my husband. To answer the question alone is embarrassing, but it’s the truth. My anxiety gets the best of me, and this is my fault, not Gabriella’s. I have this built up guilt that feeds my anxiety, and often times I cannot control it. It is not fair for a mother to be so naive, closed-minded and anxious, to only wind up hurting her own flesh.
So, you know what I had to do? Accept it! Accept that I am, nor will be, a perfect mother. I made a promise to myself, for my baby girl, and my other children to come. I promised to give them the best of me. I will fight my inner mommy-demon and give them all I have and more! Despite our future disagreements, lack of wisdom, and craziness my children will instill, they will forever be welcomed in my heart. I plan on sticking to that promise.
Apart from my ridiculous inner mommy-demon, Gabriella has brought much more positive energy, than it may seem. I felt it was necessary, to begin by sharing my personal, and deep thoughts, as it is my way of expressing how much a tiny human, that grew in my belly, drastically impacted my life. When I care for something, I care with every organ in my body and I wouldn’t want anything to jeopardize what I have right in front of me. Which results in increased anxiety. But, we’re past that now and it is safe to say, Gabriella has brought joy, happiness, love and so much more into my life. She gave my life a whole new meaning. She made me a mother! I now entitle another name under my belt, all thanks to this little girl.
You know what's funny? Matthew and I found out we were expecting on his birthday, November 29th and Gabriella’s due date was originally on my birthday, August 3rd. Although she was born on August 1st, she was still the best birthday gift I could ever receive.
Gabriella spent exactly 39 weeks in my belly and boy do I miss those fluttery kicks. On the other hand, the part about going to the bathroom every 5 minutes, the constant hunger and restless nights, not so much. I can't complain though. I had it good. The swelling was real, but besides all the common things that happen to us pregnant women, I loved every minute of it.
Now, Matthew and I were not trying to have a baby just yet, but I will admit we were not careful. We just figured we bought a house together, we had been in a relationship for almost 6 years at the time, and we were and still are deeply and inexplicably in love with each other. With that, getting pregnant wasn't something we really worried about. Excitement filled the air the moment we found out we were expecting. Then, that first sonogram happened. We were emotionally and immediately attached when we heard the heartbeat for the first time! You know when you have a crush on someone, and you start dating and grow infatuated with each other and finally fall in love? Well, add that, except you don't just grow in love, you automatically are in love! You and your significant other have created something so beautiful, something that is hard to even fathom. Hello, you're going to be parents and this little human is going to be calling you 'mom‘ or 'dad'. It's mind-boggling! Gabriella wasn't even born yet, and I already had this unbreakable bond with her.
When she was born, it was a miracle. It all happened so fast. I remember as if it were yesterday. It was Tuesday, July 31st around 7 pm when I started feeling this tight sensation in my lower abdomen area. It was slightly painful, yet I went about my night thinking they were false contractions. Later in the night, they got stronger. Hurt like shit! My whole body quenched, tightened and felt as if all of my organs were about to fall out of my private. I remember everyone talking about how timing your contractions are key to know when it was time. I didn't understand that until I finally experienced it. My contractions hit every 5 minutes by the time it was 5 am. I shook Matthew awake and told him it was time. He jumped up, eyes wide open in shock and got ready, while I was bent over the bed going through another contraction. We got to the hospital at about 5:30 am and was admitted right away. Long story short, apparently my water broke earlier in the day and I had not noticed. That meant a baby was going to be born! I remember turning to Matthew in mid contraction, breathing out 'holy shit'.
We were moved to a different room to prepare for delivery. My mom raced over. (Thank God for my mom who stuck by me the entire time. I don't think I could have done it with either her or Matthew). I asked for the epidural right away. Soon after, to my surprise, I took a nap. I woke up around 11 am and felt a sharp tug in my lower area. Skipping the gruesome parts, I was in labor for about 8 hours and pushed for roughly 25 minutes. Gabriella was ready to meet her mom and dad!
With that being said, on August 1st, 2018 Gabriella Marie Abregu was born at 2:37 pm weighing at about 6.5lbs as perfect as can be. As for the rest of this story, it is still unfinished.
When you first find out you're pregnant, your mind races with excitement, yet you begin to question absolutely everything. What are they going to look like? Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Am I going to be a good mom? Will my delivery go smooth? You just don't know, and often times, we as humans are intimidated by the unknown. However, I will end with this, the moment your child is born and you have settled in your house, nothing and I mean NOTHING will get in the way of attending to your little one. There will be restless nights, constant diaper changes, meltdowns that will result in hugs and kisses and so much more. You will share a bond with another person, that you never knew existed. Forget going out, forget your messy house, overflowing dishes and laundry to do, your baby needs you. Before you know it, they are three months grabbing toys, staring at you from a distance and baby talking away and you can't do anything about it! They won't stay small forever. Take advantage of each and every moment with your child. Be silly, be kind, and most important love them unconditionally.
Also, for your sanity, because parenting is not easy, take at least one day to yourself or a couple of hours. I promise it will work in your favor. You want to give the best to your children, and the only way to do that is to be sure YOU are in a good state of mind. If you constantly go, go, go as I have been lately, then you would know you are not giving the best to those who deserve it most. I am guilty of that, and it is a constant battle, but I try. Things as simple as taking a walk, going on a date with your husband/wife, working out, taking a bubble bath, or reading, will do you justice. Do anything that will soothe you and brings out your joyful self. Love yourself, so that you can love others!