Most of us are tiptoeing through life so we can reach death safely. We should be praying, "If I should wake before I die. . ." Life can get away from you. - Tony Campolo
What are you most afraid of?
I am afraid of losing my parents.
I am horrified of losing my husband.
I am scared of losing my kids.
I am anxious if or when I lose everything, what would become of me.
I am worried about what I would leave behind when I die.
I have become my own best friend, enemy, and the most prominent critic. I am not afraid of being alone. I confront change. I am not fearful of others. I am not ashamed to be who I am.
What I am mortified of is losing those who are closest to me. They bring out the best in me and support my every angle. Life without them or leaving them behind is inevitable, I know, but it scares the living shit out of me.
If I should wake before I die...
I would spend all morning with my parents. Share old stories, laugh at our inside jokes, and hug them until they can't breathe.
I’d confess how proud I am of them for raising my siblings and me into who we are today. My mom's cleanliness, organization skills, and woman powers will forever be of me. I would take with me my father's wise advice, bright smile, and courage.
The memories at camping, in Puerto Rico, our Friday Family nights will screen passed my mind like a movie. The night my brother and I were fooling around while watching a scary movie, to then be slapped hard as shit by my dad telling us to calm down, makes me giggle. Or the amount of times I've beaten them in card games, makes me want to take some games to the grave with me.
I'd finish off by declaring my love for them and how much I appreciate every single thing they sacrificed for me, for us.
Then, I'd let them go, only because I'd have to.
By noon, I'd grab Matthew by the hand and guide him to where we first kissed, Columbia Pl. Sterling, VA.
It was a hot summer day, and it all happened so fast, but I remember it clearly. He admitted his feelings to me that evening. His head laid on my lap, and it took him a couple tries until he finally spat out how he was infatuated with me. He knew I felt the same. We decided to stroll the parking lot, hand in hand, just people watching. The sprinklers were on, watering the grass, and Matthew thought it was cute to scoop me up into his arms and trot right through them. I laughed so hard, I almost peed my pants. We were drenched, yet we continued walking through the sprinklers, and that was when we froze and just gazed in each other's eyes, then down at each other's lips. Usually, the guy leans in first, not in this love story. I got on my tippy-toes, grabbed his cheeks, and pressed my lips on his. I'll never forget that day.
After recapping this moment with him, we would split ice cream and discuss more about what has happened in our lives together of 10 years. I'd tell him how much he impacted my life and helped sculpt me into the woman I am today.
Before Matthew, I dug myself in friendships that took everything out of me. Friendships that engulfed my soul, my smile, and my crown. Friendships were at it’s peek. And when I connected with Matthew again, he gave me the courage to depart and leave behind ones that I once adored and surrounded my life around. It was time. Matthew helped open my eyes and boosted my confidence. I would remind him how rough it was for me, yet it got easier because I had him.
Then we'd chat about all of the other chapters in our books. How we quickly moved in together. Overcame many obstacles life threw at us. And finally, the beautiful family we created.
Lastly, I would cry my eyes out to Matthew, asking him why do I have to go. To stay another minute. Beg him not to let me go. Ask him to wake me up from this horrific dream. Knowing how much pain we both would be in, I’d step back and whisper, you must move on and find someone who would hopefully make you feel the way you do with me.
At this point, it would be evening, and that would partake in bonding time with my two precious girls. First, we'd play all their favorite games and make a massive mess in the house. Mama has no time to worry about a disaster on this day!
Second, I'd hold my firstborn in my arms and rock her to sleep. I'd tell her how she was my first to mothering. My first delivery, blowout, tantrums, kisses, and hugs. I'd share the story of our first encounter and express to her how much I adore her.
I'd end with everything she would soon deal with in life. How to deal with boys and girls. What to do when she gets her period. I'd admit to her that college is not a must but a choice, which all comes down to living life day by day and remembering that you will hurt others unintentionally, and others will hurt you. You will cry, laugh, and breakdown for no reason. And all that is okay. I would ask her to protect her little sister and be there for each other for all time.
Lastly, once my first daughter is asleep, I would take my second girl and lay her on my chest. I'd tell her everything I told my oldest. Except, I'd add that she is not required to follow her sister's footsteps, only hers and no one else's. That her sister wants the best for her and was asked to protect her. I'd kiss her all over and gently place her down in her bassinet with tears in my eyes.
I'd finish my last moments holding Matthew and writing letters to all my loved ones, all while swimming in a pool of my tears.
This is what my day would look like if I were to wake before I die. It wouldn't be flying out of a plane, or riding an elephant, or meeting my idol. It'd be just my family and me.
What would your last day look like?
We tend to focus more on our daily routine and neglect what is happening around us. When what we should be doing is observing our surroundings and relishing everything we have right before our eyes. Or how far we have come. If you were to wake before you die, really think about how you'd want to spend your last day on earth. And, when you do, take action and do it today, tomorrow, and for the rest of your days. Take light in your journey, and drop your phones. Spend time with your loved ones. Spend time alone. Jump into whatever it is you'd wish to do as if you KNEW it was your last day. Live the one life you were granted, and don't let it go to waste.